Inside the Mind|
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|Tuesday, October 25th, 2005|
Ok, so, all in all life sucks...but that is life right? until you find 'the right person' or just realize 'hey, i'm better off alone'...and until I realize that 'hey, my family is never going to be a family...and thats just how its going to be'...when I finally some to terms with that...thats when things will be ok again. Nothing is 'fair' and it never will be. Things will always go wrong, yet sometimes, you get the chance to make it right.
Friends...like they've always said.... FRIENDS are few and far between, so, figure out who the REAL ones are...and stick with them.
and quoting the great raffiki from THE LION KING "oh, yes, the past can hurt. but the way i see it is you can either run FROM it...or LEARN from it"
Well...the past hurts a lot...more than anyone could even imagine....and i never ran from it....I believe I learned from it...parts of it. I'm a very strong person, and I have always been able to take a lot of shit that I just couldn't control...and thats my strength. While dealing with my shit, I would still be open to helping other people...because since I can't do anything about my life (I could, and I'm working on it...but its not like there is a solution that will make everyone happy or anything), I figure helping other people is my best bet.
Ok, now I'm rambling and totally got off subject...actually...I don't even know what the subject really is...
I'm ok. I'm always ok. I've learned to deal with the drama of family and that it isn't my responsibility to take care of them. They will make their own mistakes...all I can do is sit and watch them destroy each other...and silently destroy a part of me...
I wish I could have had the baby...that is killing me right now. But there was no way in hell that I was going to have a baby and end up having a family like mine...or worse...because we weren't ready. Sad thing is...my parents were ready...and the only thing that kept me from going the same route as my brothers...were certain friends around that time...and, well...the fact that I've always depised my brothers...and I was never ever going to be like them.
So, there it is. Thats my story...and I'm sticking to it. A lot of people don't agree with my life, they think I can do a lot more to change it...and I could...
I could be like those people, and run. I'm not afraid! I will face whatever life throws at me....
my only issue now, is that I don't want to do it alone. There is my weakness...thats the one thing in the past I can't get over. I love to be alone, but it terrifies me all at the same time.
What to do then?
Oh well...gotta run. The answer will hopefully come to me one day. :) Current Mood: determined
|Monday, October 17th, 2005|
Wow...life is falling apart right now...and there isn't much I can do to stop it. This week is the 'procedure'...Thursday...10 AM...Brandon probably won't be able to be here with me...I have to have my mom come because otherwise I won't be able to pay for it (which is the last thing I really ever wanted)...
I'm stressed at work, stressed and home, stressed at my parents, stressed with trust, and stressed with my b/f (mainly his situation which has become our situation)...everywhere I turn there is no escape. I try and call people...but I just can't dial the numbers. I feel bad...or depending....I'm afraid they won't care...for a little while I got over my trust issues....the fears...and then about 5 people screwed me over at once (people I had cared about for years)... *sigh* I really don't know what to do anymore.
Is the answer just to hide and pretend everything is ok...the people who really know me will see through it??? They never do...Its not that they don't care, its that they aren't around anymore. Its not all their fault...mine too. Life is just too busy anymore...too crazy.
Is the answer to just take what life throws at you...keep trekken' because every hardship is a lesson? Thats what people always say...thats what they keep telling me...but I've had enough damn lessons. Screw the f*%&^$g Lessons...the lessons can make you very strong in life. I agree fully with that...but depending on how drastic they are and how many you endure througout your lifetime...they can make you so weak and helpless is so many other ways...thats the part people fail to tell you. Thats the part that kills in the end...
No worries, I'm not about to go and do anything stupid. I cannot inflict any physical pain on myself anymore...I guess its a good thing. Whenever I even think about it...Danny is still the one to save me. The people that I love are still the ones to save me...always. So, once again, no worries.
I'm just tired...and drained...and depressed...and all I want is to be able to smile...really smile. Not just the smile that comes for a second and then leaves me again...not the one that I give people because I know if I don't that they will be extremely worried about me...Just a smile...thats all I want anymore...
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
Thats the time when you keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll see the light come shining through
If you just...
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near.
Thats the time when you keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying
You'll see that life is still worth wile
If you just smile... Current Mood: melancholy
|Friday, September 23rd, 2005|
|Always Expect the Unexpected
Well...Its official! The doctor called me back this morning and said "Well, the test came back, and its deffinately positive!"
That means...I'm pregnant!
Going on the fifth week after this weekend. I'm keeping it. Actually, let me rephrase that...we're keeping it.
I'm actually excited about this. I wasn't expecting that either. However...I'm also scared...the only way I'm not prepared for this is money. I don't have that much. With the living situation lately...things might be bad for a little while...But...Brandon is stepping up to the plate like I wasn't antisipating. I'm going to work as long as I can, and he is getting a job next week to start saving. Its deffinately going to be hard, but I'm up for it!
You can sit there and tell me its a bad idea, but all thats going to do is piss me off. You can share your concerns...but I promise you, I have an answer to just about everything (and no, this is not looking for something/someone to love me). I don't need that...I have the animals for that. I wasn't lacking in that department. I'm not stupid. I've thought about it all...and you know...things will be hard, but they will be great.
Its sad that most people depend on money for happiness these days. As long as the necessities are there...and the love is there...everything else doesn't matter. Food, Water, a rood over the head...a few things to keep life interesting, and love. Thats all anyone really needs. Whoever thinks its all about money...well...in that case, you are way too greedy, and I don't want to talk to you anyways.
I've always thought I would be a good mom. Ask any of my friends...all I've tried to do all my life is take care of people. I've given up most of my time, money, and life to help people and give them what they want. I know how things go.
So, yes, no matter what, this will be a drastic change in my lifestyle. But the way I think of it...its not a sacrafice. I don't party, I don't club, I don't really even hang out all that often. I will be able to take him/her on walks with my pup, and he/she will be able to play with the kitties inside (given the nails are always trimmed!)
Everything in life is a struggle, it just depends on if you make the right decision on what you will regret and what you won't. I've done a lot of things in my life that I regret...like letting go of some friends...and especially holding on to a couple in particular (I'm sure you all know who I am talking about)...but I know and fully believe that if I were to get rid of this baby...I would regret it for the rest of my life.
You know...I can deal with the rest of my regret...but something like this. I don't want to be thinking about that for the rest of my life saying "you know, if only you would have kept it" ...
If you support the desicion, then great, and thank you! The due date should be around May 15th! If you don't support the decision...then, I'm sorry, but either way, it my life, and not yours, so show your concerns as a friend...but generally just be happy for me, or at least try...because I am.
Thats all that really matters right????
Ok, well, enough of that, off to finish the work day!
Love you all!
Danielle Courtney Current Mood: chipper
|Thursday, September 1st, 2005|
Geez...its been so long since I've even looked at this thing. I still don't keep in contact with people...I have this wierd feeling of wanting to be alont, but then whenever I am...I don't want to be anymore.
I don't want people to ask me what is wrong, and I don't want to have to pretend that everything is ok...
All of my life I've told people when I was upset and what it was about...it always seemed to be the same thing (because there was nothing I could do to get rid of what was wrong...it will never leave me)...well, in the end, most everyone told me that I'm a drama queen and that they were sick of hearing about it...so I don't tell anymore.
I've become who I used to be. Kind of bitchy, alone and to myself. yes, I have a boyfriend...but not even he knows me, maybe because I don't really let him...maybe because...I don't know anymore...wait, nevermind, I never knew in the first place...
I was always surrounded by people when I was younger...but I always seemed happy go lucky too...no one really knew why I beat up on all the guys...I didn't really want them to know. But I needed to take it out on someone...grrr......
No one believed it when it came out...even my parents, they are still in denial about the whole thing...everyone wanted to kill him...I didn't though. I don't know why...I just wanted him to get what he deserved...but he didn't.
I need to get over it...I need to let it go. Its in the past right? said and done and there is nothing anyone can do!
Not even me...Nothing! I can't even forget...and the hardest thing is...I don't think I can forgive either...not with what he is doing to the family now...now with him promising me he would be ok....
Now look at him...both of them...and what they do to mom and dad...it kills me...
Nothing I can do...just sit and watch...as mom says, "its not your place to say anything!"
Why do I care, all they have ever done is bribe me to love them, all they have ever done is hurt me...
My friends are my family...but I don't think I even have them anymore...
I've pushed them away so much...that they just stay away now. I guess they never really knew to ask what was wrong...I never really let them know...just lied...said I couldn't do anything, stuff like that.
Other friends pushed themselves away, and I will never know why. But I always asked...I always tried to make sure they were ok...but it was just me...I was too much...they used me, ubused me, and threw me away...
Those 'friends'...they are just like my REAL family...just like him...that hurts...why? why did they do that to me? why can't I let it go....?
I want to let them go...
I thought I was ok...I really thought I was...
I need to move out of my apartment...my roomates are total hypocrytes and its a shitty situation...I can't move back home...I don't even have my room anymore...he took that too...
He took everything from me. Both of them have taken most everything from me...
Don't they love me? I'm their only sister...
I base my life on being the two of them...so instead...I become her.
It isn't much better than being them...being her...
*sigh* I want out...
I want to be able to really smile again...
I want a lot I can't have...
WOW, I REALLY DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS THIS FUCKING DEPRESSED AND THINKING ABOUT ALL THIS THAT MUCH!!!!!
My old friends kept me happy...even though life was worse when I was younger...they made sure there was always a smile on my face...I miss that... Current Mood: numb
|Sunday, December 12th, 2004|
So, here I am again, haven't been here in a long time. Kind of took my time away from the computer, because I was in front of it a little too long. I've lost touch with most of everyone, and cannot explain why. I thin I've just been hurt too many times, and didn't want to get hurt by the ones who hadn't hurt me yet.
That doesn't make not calling and flaking and all that right, I wouldn't dream of saying that. I'm just very scared of life most of the time, and with all that is going on in my head, I need to deal with it all on my own. I don't know why, but I never felt like I could talk to anyone and trust it not to go anywhere...nothing personal really. Just in my head I guess. This feeling made me sad and in turn I indirectly hurt people. So I stopped, I stopped everything.
I've done pretty well lately I suppose, other than the family stuff. I don't even remember what my last post was, but family is horrible. First, there was the James thing, which brought to our attention that one of my brothers was on drugs. Then shortly before James and I broke up, that brother got in a car accident and was in intensive care for 9 weeks. Now that the drama of him possibly dying os over, he is home, walking around, even driving again...but the drugs are back. Not even a week out of the hospital and there they are again. The hiding, the lying, the everything.
The other side...Kris is back home again. The one who is so selfish and concieted that I just want to shoot him in the head. Yeah, him. As of now, I'm missing who knows how many movies, a bunch of make-up, and even a couple pieces of clothing. My mother finds nothing wrong with this. She also finds nothing wrong with the fact that he took my parents credit card (that they combined on a 0% APR rate that only lasts a year) and spent up to $1,300 on it when the year is now coming to an end, and then a ton of other things he has done wrong that she overlooks and pretend never happened. She can't seem to fathom why why I am finished with him, brother or not. Not to mention the fact that he is on the same drugs as Matt, and after I let Matt borrow my car, there were then drugs in my car...
Here is where it gets really bad...
I drive up to Roseville almost every weekend. So, these drugs were in my car and I didn't even know it. Driving up there on Friday...my boyfriend's brother found them in my car on Saturday. I was pissed and hurt. With everything that has happened between my brother and I, I couldn't believe he would do something that stupid and disrespectful. Even if it was an accident, it shouldn't have been in my car anyways. So, needless to say, I was stressed and upset...so I called my dad and said he needed to do something about it, cause what if I had gotten pulled over??? What could I have said, "Oh, I'm sorry officer, that isn't mine, its my brothers" ??? I don't think that would have gone over too well. So, my dad being a cop and all...I figured he would be the first to do something about it. NO! All he said was calm down, relax, and he would talk to my mom about it. Ok, I understand that to a point, but he knew as well as I did how serious this was, and how she would just turn a blind eye to it. When I called later to see what had been done, my dad told me that they talked to my brothers and they both denied it...and left it at that...
I got a call later that day from Kris, telling me that he didn't think it was his, asking me if Matt had borrowed my car lately, and why I would tell dad about anything like that. He told me that Matt was doing stuff again, and that it very well could have been either of theirs, but it was an accident, so its no big deal. At the end of it all, he had the nerve to ask me what I did with it, and when I said that I had thrown it out, said "Damn...I could have used some of it when you got home..."
It so happens, the next day on my way home, I got pulled over...all I could think was "what if that was still in my car?"! I got home, told my mom about the ticket, and she yelled at me. However, she didn't tell my dad about it, probably because he would have realized the seriousness of it all. She said she thought James was trying to set me up, and I told her about the conversation with my brother, and then she looked really sad, as if it just hit her...yet she didn't tell my dad about that either.
*sighs* That is only the start about what is going on with my family, probably said way to much on here, but I needed to get it out somewhere. Life isn't totally horrible though...
Work is great, the holidays are always tiring, but kind of bring the group together all at the same time. I love the animals, and love the way the doctors work with them. They always show that they truly care, and as of now, that means a lot to me. Seeing that they aren't in it for the money, or anything like that. Sometimes they will even do major things for free just because its a terrific animal, and the owners cannot afford to help it. Work, even though it has its downfalls, tends to inspire me just because of the true love of animals everyone involved has.
Another lift in life is Brandon. He is my boyfriend. We have been together for almost three months, and he is great. Younger, but treats me the way I feel I deserve to be. When it comes to living, he is deffinately making it easier. He lives in Roseville (hence the going up there almost every weekend), and we have a lot in common. The long distance sucks, but so far we are doing well. He might be moving to this area in February, so hopefully things will be getting even better in a couple months.
Kolumi is a nice face to come home to as well. Not to mention Cocoa...but Kolumi is my new kitten. She is roughly 6 months old now. She is a tabby with gorgeous patterns. I love her to death, and she is my little baby. She is getting along great with the other animals, including Peanut and Cocoa. I'm satisfied with most everything else in life right now. I hope I will be able to bring some things back between a few old friends and myself...but I'm not too sure if my head is quite ready for it yet either.
So, that is my recent update. Probably my only one for a while, so yeah, you guys have my number if you'd like to talk or something. I love you all, and hope you are all doing well! *hugs and kisses*
Happy Holidays to you all! :)
(for the record) :-P Current Mood: indescribable
|Saturday, August 14th, 2004|
So, its been a long while, once again. Things are going well. James and I broke up...he is crazy...I'm attempting to break myself of his family as well...cause talking to them brings drama...but I love them...I dunno.
Matt is doing great. He is talking now, and can eat soft foods. I'm so proud of him, and I love him so much. Its great that he is doing well...and I can't wait to get home and see where he is at in the physical therapy.
As of now I am in Washington. YES! It feels good to be away for a while. I'm not going to be home again until the 18th. Aaron and Jason are making me feel great over here. Jason more so than Aaron, but hey, thats kind of expected. Today I did absolutely nothing. Barely even talked on the phone...it was wonderful. I'm debating on moving up here again, cause, yeah, I would miss people at home, but I've seen how I am without these two, and that just sucks!
Anyways, things are going well all in all. James brought me down a lot in the end, but I'm coming back up. I learned a lot by being with him, so even though it was horrible, it was good all at the same time.
Well, off to drink now, Jason is turning 21! hehe Fun eh? Goodnight ya'll Current Mood: ecstatic
|Monday, July 12th, 2004|
Well, I'm not really sure where to begin...
My mom tells me that Matt is doing really well. On his way to recovery...yet, I have my doubts...
Friday, he had surgery on his lung. The lining around it was showing up cloudy on the x-rays...and then when they were putting a tube in, they felt the webbed mucus all around, so they knew they needed to go in. Little did they know what was really wrong once they got there.
Surgery went great. They took out a lot of crap including a softball sized puss pocket that was surrounded by and inch and a half worth of a rhind (mucus that gets so hard its like an orange peel that they can't see on the x-rays). Conclusion, if they hadn't gone in, Matt wouldn't be with us for much longer. Another thing the doctor removed was some dead tissue. I don't know what she thought it was, but it didn't worry her too bad. After he got out, even though he had a temp (from the surgery) he was doing great (or so we thought).
Soon after he came down with staff pnemonia. Highly contageous and reveived when they did the surgery (this was admitted by the doctor, fairly common I guess). So then he has another infection, not to mention also while in surgery, liquis traveled all the way down to his pelvic region, and also became infected (which they drained today I guess...). On top of all of this, the doctor noticed yesterday that Matt wasn't getting any better after the surgery, as a matter of fact, he started getting worse...so then she remembered the tissue that she pulled out.
Turns out (after testing the tissue) that is was dead muscle from the diaphram. What they are thinking happened, was from the impact of when he landed, it popped the diaphram like a tire, punched a hole in it. Thats why before the surgery he was able to breath on his own still, because the hole was covered with dead tissue. When she removed it, she opened the hole (not knowingly) and basically flattened out his diaphram. So, now they aren't sure if they need to go in again or not, because they can't get a good look at the diaphram given that the lungs and the liver are covering it.
So, even though my mom is excited thinking he is doing better and all that...I think she is in denial again...I think Stanford sucks ass...and I am worried about my brother...
Not to mention that I think James is back to his old tricks...causing peoblems and whatnot...family life sucks...I'm not really allowed to see my brother not only because of how susseptable I am to pnemonia...but because my mom won't really let me...and even if I could, I'm having flashbacks again...and I'm beginning to become terrified. The other night after a flashback session...I caught myself for a brief second hoping that he did die...then I cried myself to sleep...
I have concluded that I have officially gone insane...however, I am officially not moving to Bakersfield (if I didn't put that in my last post).
I apologize for being a starnger to people...life is more bumpy that it seems when you actually look at me. Go figure, once again I hide all the stuff that kills me inside...then in turn all the stupid things that people could normally just brush off make me fly off the handle...
Off to take my niece to a movie now. Hopefully it goes well.
Goodnight folks! Current Mood: drained
|Thursday, July 1st, 2004|
|The fun of living
Wow...it sure has been a while hasn't it???
Ok, so, there has been a lot of drama in my life within the past...few months I guess. James and I almost broke up due to his parents being insane and everyone he knows doing anything to get what they want (not to mention the drugs [that everyone he knows does] deffinately didn't help the situation). We are ok now though...things are starting to get a little bad again, but I'm not going to assume it will get worse...can only live one day at a time right???
You know how people say bad things come in threes (or however that saying goes)? well, my three have come...first, I get a call from a friend cause she is in the hospital...things are ok now, but it was worry-ful :P two days after I find out that she is in the hospital...I get a call telling me that another friend is in the hospital for a collapsed lung. How it happened...I dunno, but he is ok now as well. Is at home, healing nicely...doing good. Then, the day after I found out he was in the hospital, my brother got in a car accident...that was about a week ago, and he is still in ICU. Not horrible...gonna live (unless things take a terrible turn), but he deffinately isn't good. On a breathing machine for his lung that is not only punctured but increadibly bruised...won't stay inflated on its own, and because of the bruising, he can't expand it all the way...so in turn, he also aquired pnemonia...rar...stressful to say the least.
I think I have officially decided that I'm not moving to Bakersfield. James' parents have taken advantage of my trust one too many times, I don't even think they are going to take care of my car like they said they would...so...I'm pretty upset.
James has been doing well lately too. He got a job today/yesterday at Kragens. WOO
So, there is the update for those of you who thought I fell off the face of the planet.
Fun eh?? :)
*hugs* Current Mood: stressed
|Saturday, June 12th, 2004|
not too sure what to think about this one...
|sweetsilver's LJ stalker is drkbackward!|
|drkbackward is stalking you because you made a nasty comment on their LJ. They are also leaving anonymous abuse on your journal!|
|Saturday, June 5th, 2004|
So, it is basically a deffinate that I am moving to Bakersfield. Not too horrible I guess, I'm not going to have a job here that will keep me back this time, given the fact that they are looking for any little reason to get rid of me as of right now. On top of that, I need out of my house. Not only so I can deal with the past easier...but so that I can become a better person, support myself, and not depend on my parents for everything. Its not that I ask them to help me, its that they just do it without asking...and in that sense the longer I stay here, the less I will learn in life because mommy and daddy will always be there to get me out of everything. Life cannot work that way...I will never fully be who I want to be as long as I'm terrified of being without them. Go figure right...I'm scared of being without the people I despise...I spelt that wrong...but I don't care. I am leaving in about 3 months...maybe less...hopefully less...I might be selling my car to do so...and I might be without a boyfriend, even though I'm moving with his family...he hasn't decided if he is going yet or not...it depends on if he chooses to clean up his act or not...I guess we will see. Things will work out in the end...I hope.
|Tuesday, May 11th, 2004|
|Lost in Thought
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So, I'm not sure what is going on in life anymore...last night I was troubled, but perfectly ok with life...this morning I wake up and just want to go back to sleep and never open my eyes again. Maybe its because my boyfriend was hanging out with my brother when I woke up...not next to me. He told me 2 seconds last night...I wake up at 6 and he isn't there...I hear him laughing in my brother's room. Cool eh? I want to talk to him about it...but he is avoiding me now. yay? heh...
I'm worried about people. Everyone I talk to say they don't deserve a second of my thoughs...but I can't help it, I care. No matter how much I get hurt, I still care. Funny thing is...what no one really realizes about me...is when I hurt people, when I realize something I have done, or find out something I did has hurt someone...It hurts me ten times more. I beat myself up forever about it...whether I deserve it or not. So, when I get hurt by multiple people within a span of one day...then that night get stomped on by many more....heh...
I pretend I'm ok. No one knows how bad it really is. No one will ever know how bad it really is. I thought some that I still have could help....but I can't go to them...doesn't seem like they want to listen. Thats always the story though isn't it? Hence why I never really went to the ones that hurt me...
I realized yesterday, the only time I really go to someone with a problem, is when either I have already thought it out and know what to do, have already come up with answers and just need help choosing which one to act on...or have a problem that no one can possibly help me with, so it wouldn't really matter if I talked about it or not. ... All of the others I just keep to myself and let eat away at me in the long run. I guess thats how a lot of us are eh?
I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone. I'm not asking for pity or sympathy either...just understanding. There are a lot of things about myself and things that I have done that to this day I don't even understand...yet, thats how the world works...the human race...just doesn't know half the time, even though they think they do.
So, now to start another day on a sour note. Maybe today will be a little brighter than the last. Current Mood: drained
|Wednesday, May 5th, 2004|
You know...it hurts when you put so much time and effort into people and their lives (because they ask you to), then when you make one mistake...no matter how big or small...they up and forget everything you've done because they got hurt.
I've had the lies, I've had the abuse, I've had everything this person has...and more...yet I still stuck with her to make sure she was ok. I do this one thing. There is goes...everything.
Its ok though. I think I'm just angry. Finding out my boyfriends family is going to be torn apart by the government, my brother does a whole heap of fucking srugs (both of them that is) and not to mention one of my good friends decides to tell another something that was none of her business to say anything about in the first place....to top that off that friend that she told won't talk to me now because of what I did, even though it shouldn't even matter because she hasn't been with the guy in like....i dunno how long.
A fling is a fling. Everyone has them...and it isn't my fault that I was lied to and didn't know that this guy I had a fling with was with someone at the time. Cause to my knowledge, he wasn't. Yeah...I have had a bunch of flings...and a few that I shouldn't....but let me put it this way....maybe I did decieve, maybe this guy did too...but at least I'm not getting mad at someone and spiteful towards someone about something that I lied about too. Cause I mean...lets face it...we all know that other people cheated as well even though they swore they didn't. On multiple occasions...but that is besides the point right?
Hypocrits....surrounded by them. Yeah, everyone is in some way or another...but I tend to find the ones that like to go overboard with the whole thing.
I appreciate your reply in the other post Deborah. I feel the way you do on the whole thing. Honestly, I don't know why it is such a big deal to Jaime anymore...because she claims on her life that she wants nothing to do with him and doesn't love him anymore....blah blah blah....yeah....I dunno. Stupid. All of it. Oh well though...I guess I kind of expected this from them. The way they always talk about Ian and always try and keep in contact and no matter how much they say they are over him and don't love him anymore...all they do is try and communicate with him....so, I guess I understand why they got so upset, and why they feel they need to hold onto it and all that. People don't hold on to thing unless they care. So I think they just need to face the truth and realize that they aren't over it and need to be and quick.
Anyways...as for today. It was pretty ok....except I didn't get a lunch at work...which is fine, just tiring...and I got bit by the first animal I held. A cat none the less...so its infected and I'm back on antibiotics. Its ok though, cause James came and made me feel better, then I'm supposed to go out with James, Lindsey, Josh, and Mike today. Woo Woo! Better get going though....it hurts so bad to type :-/ Current Mood: annoyed
So, I've thought about it long and hard...and I know I lied to Sarah about Ian...but I also know I didn't lie to Jaime. So, Jaime can believe what she wants like she always has. Sarah can go and hurt everyone in her own devious little way like she always has...and I can still be ok...because even when niether of them were talking to me (even though one claims she texted me and whatnot) because of being busy or whatever...I was fine and happy. Whenever I did talk to them...it was always drama. All I ever did was worry, which was stressful, and it caused me to put other people I'm around in difficult situations...
I feel bad for James right now, because he is having to deal with his family, along with my past...and my present. I broke down the other night...and he looked so lost.
It is kind of interesting though....because I've already pictured Jaime messing around with my ex that I couldn't let go...and I didn't get mad. I was hurt...oh yeah...I was hurt...but he is my ex...end of story. Then again...she didn't actually do it, and I admit...when I was about 12...she made out with my ex in front of me and I didn't talk to her for about 3 years. But...lets put that into perspective...not even in high school yet. A little immature wouldn't you say? Not only the action that I made...but the whole situation on my part. Now the question is...are we 12?
I love Jaime with all of my heart...I'm worried sick about her right now. Everyone I've talked to (who knows the situation) is telling me that she doesn't have a right to be mad...and the fact that I'm still worried about her and feel like shit about it because of her means that I'm that good of a person. I think they are full of shit...but I dunno...whatever.
hmm....gotta go to work. continue this later....
|Friday, April 16th, 2004|
So, i'm 21 now...yay? I haven't written in here for a long time, but i figured that i would let you guys all know that i'm not dead! :)
My 21st was good other than the fact that I was sick. Things got a little odd with Aaron, but thats in my own head. it didn't stay there for long. no biggie :) You guys don't know about James yet though (tee hee hee)
James is someone I've known since kindergarden....hehehehehe, we have been good friends for a while, then we grew apart and he disapeared for a long time. there was always a little something between us though (or so i thought) he didn't think so though.....anyways...we are basically together. I don't think about Aaron anymore (unless he is in town) i will tell you that much. Its really really nice. he is great. There are the little quircks that I know if people knew it about him they wouldn't like him...or they just wouldnn't like him as much...but its part of what makes him ...him. so, its ok for me, as long as i'm not the bad part about his life, i don't care. gotta run though. Current Mood: flirty
|Thursday, March 25th, 2004|
first job? PetSmart
first screenname? FIREbrd777
first funeral? My Grandmothers...age 10
first pet? Chubs, my border collie...herded me away from the fence all the time :)
first piercing/tattoo? Ear, when I was 6, and then tattoo on R ankle age 20
firts credit card? Visa...through bank.
first kiss? David Yu
first one that mattered? Mike Bowers
first love? Aaron Hope
first enemy? Allison Smith
first concert? uhh....never?
first musician you remember hearing in your house? Phil Collins
last car ride? To Pigeon Point where I spent the night on the beach
last kiss? James
last library book checked out? Umm...don't remember, I just buy books now
last movie watched? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
last beverage drank? Water
last food consumed? Crackers and cream cheese
last phone called? Lindsey's cell
last time showered? This afternoon
last cd played? Tarzan soundtrack
last annoyance? Guys
last soda drank? Mr. Pibb
last ice cream eaten? Safewway Select Sorbet (can't have ice cream)
last time scolded? uh...the other day about myself (from some friends)
last shirt worn? Lion King - San Fransisco Show
last website visited? other than LJ...westsidesurfers.com
single or taken? Single...
siblings? 3 Brothers
hair color? Brown
eye color? depends...between bright green and a greyish blue...
shoe size? 9 1/2 - 10 depending on the shoe make..
RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
wearing? casual clothes
thinking about? James and Aaron... (mind is spinning)
listening to? my dogs name tags jingling as she runs around the living room
what is your full name? Danielle Courtney Medlin
nickname? Yellie...is the best I think. Dani is the most common
age? 20 soon to be 21
social security? There's no way in hell i'm putting that up here
where do you live? You know...I'm going to get uncomfortable with these ?'s soon...
what school do you attend? I don't at the moment
siblings and their ages? Robbie - 45, Matt - 25, Kris - 23
zodiac sign? Ram
righty or lefty? ambidex...cant spell the whole word :P
hair color? Brown
eye color? depends...between bright green and a greyish blue...
do you wear contacts or glasses? Glasses
do you have any piercings? ears
where do you want more? tongue....really really bad!!!
do you have a tattoo? yes'm
if so, what and where? Dolphin, right ankle
do you wear any rings? sometimes
do you have a certain fashion you follow? my own
how are you today? bored...and worried
what pants/skirt are you wearing right now? Blue Flare jeans
what does your hair look like at the moment? down, long, and wavy
what song are you listening to right now? None
what was the last thing you ate? didn't you already ask me this?
how is the weather right now? Cold and rainy
last person you talked to on the phone? oops, there is another one...Lindsey
last dream you can remember? uh...too weird to tell :P
whoa re you talking to right now? a lot of people
what time is it? 8:06 PM
what are the last four digits of your number? why???
if you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Midnight Blue
have you ever almost died? Sure!
do you like the person that sent this? no one really sent it...but i like everyone who i read of theirs (if that made any sense)
how do you eat an oreo? twist...one cookie, then the cream, then the other cookie
what makes you happy? Friends and nature
whats the next cd you are going to buy? K-PAX soundtrack
what religion/denomination are you? Athiest
whats the best advice ever given to you? I don't remember :P
have you ever won any special awards? perfect maintanence...
what are your future goals? a lot of things.
do you like to dance? hell yeah!
whats the stupidest thing you've ever done? been friends with Jason Hurst
whats yoru favorite memory? watching a bastard total their car
if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? weight
where do you shop the most? Um... anywhere I can afford
how many kids do you want to have? 2-3
son' names? Riley
daughter' names? Akasha ;)
do you do drugs? sometimes
do you drink? Sometimes
what kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? Nexxus something or other
what sport do you hate the most? Golf
what are you most scared of? Ever seen 28 days later? being alone
how many tv's do you have in your house? 4
do you have your own tv? Yes
phone line? 3
do you sleep with stuffed animals? Mikey, Nate, and all the others...yeah :)
have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? yeah..sucks
what do you dream about? either wierd or depressing stuff
who do you tell your dreams to? No one
who's the loudest friend you have? Josh or James :) love you guys!
who'd the quietest friend? Mike (no, none of you know him) :P
is cheerleading a sport? yeah
how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? 1, 2-who, 3!
which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg
do you believe in love? most of the time
do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? no sir-ee bob
do you have a crush? yes'm ...
who is yoru crush? wouldn't you like to know???
did you send this to your crush? nope
do you believe in love at first sight? Yes
where would you like to go on your honeymoon? Dont know yet
what song do you want played at your wedding? don't know yet
what's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes or smile
longest crush? Aaron Hope
who do you want to spent the rest of your life with? not sure...
do you find yourself attractive? Not really...kinda
do you find yourself ugly? kinda
do others find you attractive? supposedly
PICK ONE: THIS OR THAT
sun or rain? thunder and lightning
Mickey D's or BK? Mickey D's
do you like scary or happy movies better? scary
Backstreetboys or N'SYNC? depends on the song.
on the phone or in person? In person
paper or plastic? Plastic
sausage or pepperoni? hawaiian
summer or winter? Spring
hugs or kisses? Both mainly hugs!
chocolate or white milk? milk doesn't like me, so i don't like it!
rootbeer or Dr.Pepper? Dr. Pepper
glass full or half empty? Full... empty...the glass is still half something isn't it?
cd or tape? CD
VHS or DVD? DVD
vanilla or chocolate? Vanillia
skiing or boarding? watching!
day or night? Night
cake or pie? cake!!!! damnit!!!
sunset or sunrise? Sunset
fast food? Del Taco
berverage? shirley temple
ice cream flavor? cake mix! ;)
animal? snow leapord, dolphin, tiger...
favorite type of music? disney...phil collins
radio station? don't have one
song? one of those ones
group? one of those ones
favorite actor or actress? too many
favorite day of the year? don't have one
favorite month? March - April
TV show? don't got one
store? don't got one
game? ZAR! BEST FUCKING GAME IN THE WORLD...PLANET...UNIVERSE...EVERYWHERE DAMNIT!!
opposite sex feature? eyes...smile...arms...
HAVE YOU EVER
loved someone so much it made you cry? uh...duh!
ever gotten dumped? Oh yeah
broke the law? yeah...
ran from the cops? not really...
stole something? Dont we all?
tried to kill yourself? Most of us have gone through that
made yourself throw up? Never once
made yourself cry to get out of trouble? not that i can remember...maybe with my dad when i was little...yeah, ok, got me there...!
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
Heart of Gold What is Your Heart REALLY Made of? brought to you by Quizilla
Hey there everyone...it sure has been a while hasn't it??? Well, I'm just writing this to explain everything to everyone at once. Those of you who know me, then you shouldn't be very upset with me losing contact and such...as for everyone else...here goes...
Things were going pretty good lately, except for certain things where if I thought too much, I would burst into tears...so I didn't want to update the journal, cause all I do is think when I come on here...no matter how happy I think I am when I start. Then, a very good friend of mine (Josh) started having problems because his brother just moved, his parents suck ass, and on top of that, his GF cheated on him. So, as we all know...I'm one to help someone who is in need...especially if I love them like family. So, I've been dealing with him non-stop, while also dealing with myself. The reasons for not calling and keeping in contact, are because I've been trying to lose weight and work thing out in my head, and in that process of being so involved with Josh and myself...plus his girlfriend and step-sister...I lost touch. Thats about it...I tried as hard as I could at the time to keep in contact...phone calls here, text messages there...things like that...but when it comes to actually hanging out...They needed me the most.
I've realized, I'm a person who loves to help people. Helping people makes me happy, especially when they will listen to what I have to say. Not do what I tell them, but actually take my advice, think it over, and do with it what they will...whether that be follow it or not...thats not my decision. Anyway...all of you, who will read this, I know are stable and don't 'need' me anymore. I'm still here, as are you, and I know this...but I go where needed. Yes, I need to feel needed...but in hanging out with Josh and everything, I've rediscovered old friends, and have finally figured out who I am, the way I act, and why I act that way on top of it all.
I've also realized that I'm very strong, and very smart when it comes to certain things...and that I can be happy just being me...whether that be while i'm big or slim...short or tall...nice or mean...I do my best for everyone.
Yet, this time round, though I am surrounding myself with sadness...I've also surrounded myself with happiness beyond belief...because I found someone who means the absolute world to me...who treats me like a real sister...cares about me like one...and I think of him as a brother as well. That gives me the world...because I don't have family. They are here, I can see and talk to them...but I don't know them and they will never know me. My friends are my family, and I search relentlessly to make my family larger than life...
so, to make a longer than needed story shorter, I still love you all, each and every one of you...cause even the ones that no one can see any good in...I can. I always can...because thats what I do. I'm still here for you if you need me. I don't have to seclude myself to one person...but you guys are just figuring things out on your own...and you don't need anyone else to do that.
Yes I'm still sad about things, and yes I'm still very depressed within myself...but what is happiness without sadness...what is pain without relief...just like what is good without evil. It will always be there, and there is nothing anyone else can do about it...just look for the good, and things will be ok.
I'm finally proud of myself, because I can be just as happy as anyone else, even after everything I've gone through...and it feels wonderful.
everyone...call if needed, or if you just want to chat or hang out...if I can I will, cause I miss you all...but just know, I'm here if you ever need someone, and thats the point where I will drop anything I'm doing just to talk to you...or you talk to me...cause I never leave anyone...everyone just moves on, and we all return in the end! :) *hugs and kisses* love you guys1 and thanks!
|Monday, February 2nd, 2004|
|interesting eh???? ;)
Current Mood: horny
Your Sexual Energy is Purple!
You're the master of self control - able to turn your sexuality on and off.
You own your sexuality, and you revel in it... but only when the time is right.
You are never caught off guard when it comes to sex. You're too deliberate for that.
And when you are on fire, well... watch out!
Since you are so in touch with your sex drive, you can ramp it up as much as you want.
And for the right person, you'll push it to the limit!
You tend to prescreen lovers methodically, and hardly ever end up with the wrong person.
You've even been known to bring up sex in a matter-of-fact way to determine compatibility.
As a result, you don't even know what bad sex is - you go into the bedroom knowing what to expect.
Ready for a change? Try to make your sexual energy more spontaneous.
Read some erotica, watch a dirty movie, have sex with someone your not 100% sure about.
If may sound scary at first, but isn't sex supposed to be a little scary.
Sarah Michelle Gellar and Julia Roberts are celebrities that share your purple energy.
For a hot match, date those with blue, magenta, and white sexual energies.What Color is Your Sexual Energy?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
|Tuesday, January 27th, 2004|
|time and place
So, things are interesting I think. The other night someone came over, and things happened (no one that any of you know, so no worries). a couple days later I start feeling a little odd...my throat hurts. Come to find later, its not really my throat...its the muscle/glands under my chin...either way, I think they are infected, which I've never ever had happen before. So...needless to day, just in case, I'm doing nothing else with that person again...cause he doesn't treat me right anyways. I'm tired of being used you know? And even if I wasn't used before (like a few tell me)...it sure as hell felt like I was, and they never made an effort to change my thoughts on that, so, whatever. If you are reading this, you know who you are. :P
In other news ;) work is ok. Things are worse but better there. Everyone is getting along better now that one of the receptionists is on vacation, the doctors are still stressed but in better moods about it all...and I'm learning a little bit more every day. Its going very slow, but I'm learning. All the animals are great. I'm the only one thats been able to befriend an 'evil' dog that we have come in a lot. Mike calls him a pirahnna. But Mugsy is awsome, and I love the little guy! :)
Friends are ok I guess. The only one I feel close to right now is Nova, which is cool, cause she is great. We are thinking of getting a place together, I don't know where, neither of us can even do it right now...but it needs to be done soon. We will see though, cause I still kinda wanna move with Deborah too...so...whatever works out best I suppose. Maybe I will just get my own place...who knows right?
My animals are ok I think. Peanut is fat as ever, Snowy is actually happy (I've been taking her out and loving her again...yay!), as for the dragons...I dunno. It looks like the arm is getting worse than better at this point. It doesn't even feel like he has any bones in his hand...so I will prolly have to amputate...and that is very bad...cause not only have I never seen a reptile live through an amputation of any sort...but he already doesn't have two of his legs...now he will only have one...I am afraid that it won't work out too well. I am trying to keep spirits high though. We will see I suppose.
My friend Gerald called today asking if I still wanted to work out. I said yes, and he wants to join a gym. Gold's Gym as a matter of fact. Its right next to Del Taco...down the street from the both of us...so if prices are good and they have a pool, I'm all for it. Even if they don't have a pool, I'm thinking I might go to the Y with Nova whenever she comes down here (which is at least three times a week). So, if I go work out every other day, then go to the pool on the days I'm not working out, I should be able to fit into that dress in no time at all right? I sure hope so, cause as Gerald put it for himself ... 'I'm tired of being fat"
I'm still prety down about things. Doing an okay job at keeping the mind busy though. I miss Jason, and I miss Aaron. I'm ok as long as I don't talk to him...but I want to talk to him...then when I hear his voice...it feels like I'm being poked repeatedly somewhere in my chest. Sometimes feels like the heart...others the lungs...cause sometimes when I talk to him, I just can't breathe...
I still look at Nicole's house, and I still want to go over there and tell Angie and John that I'm sorry I allowed their baby girl to die. I want to tell them how I feel, and have them comfort me, because now I know of no one at all that knows how I feel about everything...and I never knew I even had anyone in the first place. If only I would have gone one step further and reached out...If only I could have been a better friend...
not my fault, not my fault, not my fault....or is it???
Yeah, ok...old stories, I know. Stupid things to be bothered about I'm sure. I'm sure you are all tired of me complaining all the time...but if I don't trust that anyone really wants to hear it, then I don't talk about it...then it just stays inside and hurts forever...and I've been there, I'm still there. So deal with the fact that I'm not a happy go lucky person. That I have inner termoil that I can't get over. That I'm afraid to let go...cause I don't think I have anything else...cause if I let go...then what is there? Happiness??? I tried that...happiness...and I just got screwed over in the end. Maybe when I've healed a little more I will try it again...but until that time, I'm stuck being someone I'm not.
I'm ok. I'm always ok. I'm strong...I've always been strong... *sigh*
I'm exhausted... :/ Current Mood: guilty
|Saturday, January 24th, 2004|
So, this is going to be so cool! Ian just made my night last night and I don't think he even knew he was doing it! He gave me these tickets that are free one way to wherever on JetBlue...gave me two. So that equals one round trip to wherever, and of course I'm going to go to New York! Yay! This is the best thing ever, cause I don't have that much money to spend anyways. hehehe So, I just got done talking to Kamaal, and he said that since he knows about it, he just got a raise, and he will start saving now. This way when I get there, I won't have to pay for everything again like last time. He even told me that we can go to Central Park and a couple of the museums! I get to be like a tourist, with my dad's camera, just taking pictures like crazy (as if I don't do that already)!!! Tee hee hee.
This year started off so shitty...but now I've finally realized that I have a bunch of awsome friends (most of them anyways), and all the ones that aren't too good of friends, make up for it somehow later on. LIke Ian, he knows he hasn't been a great freidn to me, he has even told me and apologized on many occasions, but hey...I think he just made my year so, that kicks ass! Ian babe...I love ya man!!! :)
So, on top of the news of being able to go to New York, I've already been to Disneyland once which was awsome and low Budget (except for when we went to the mall!), I have Deborah to thank for that one, and then there was New Years which was pretty fun until I found out about Nicole...but I didn't know about her, so it was a blas at the time...and then there will be my birthday party!
For my birthday, I'm going to have a costume party...less expensive, and easier for costumes and what-not! There is this girl Pam, who came through my clinic for a rotation from Western Career College....and she is pretty cool, I invited her and told her what I wanted to do...then she continued the conversation telling me about this friend that she has that works at the Hilton in Downtown San Jose. She is going to try and see if she could get a deal on a couple of rooms. So this way, I rent out the conference room or whatever it is they have there, then everyone pitches in to pay for the rooms (whoever wants to stay that is) and then it shoudlsn't cost too much and no one will have to drive home drunk! That is so cool!
Not to mention the trips I'm planning to go on...like to Washington, Magic Mountain, Disneyland (again!), Disneyworld (maybe)....but damn!
Sure, everything that has made me depressed is still in my mind. No, I'm not all of a sudden on top of the world...but I'm pretty damn close. Right now, my mind is moving way too fast in happy mose to think about what I'm missing...so for now, I will try and keep it this way.
Deborah...Sarah...Nova...thank you so much for being here for me like you were. Even if the problems were repetative...you were still there and it meant a lot to me! :) Ian, even though you weren't there throught most of it...thank you so much for allowing me to be happy again in some respect. I was semi-happy anyways...but this just made the cake...this was the Icing and the cherries all in one! thanks guys. I love you all!
*sadder note* Now, I must be off to go deal with the family. Parents are back, Kris is back...but hey! I found Finding Nemo!!!! YAY!!!! Now Kris just needs to bring my other movies back, and I will have my whole collection again (kind of).
So, I'm off!! Current Mood: excited
Your world, good or bad, revolves around your family. You are determined and loyal, and your word is your bond. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.
You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You are soft-hearted with a charitable nature. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. Your independence and freedom are important to you.
You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. There is a need to learn to evaluate family ties properly. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You must learn to give 'wise' service and not be a martyr.
You are adventurous with a tendency to be foolhardy. You are aggressive and definitely have leadership abilities. You have good recuperative abilities. You are determined. You have a need to be up front. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You work hard to achieve material success through your own efforts. You have a need to be up front.
You want to be productive and feel useful, and enjoy helping solve problems. You like to be busy and not waste time. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. You have a discriminating nature coupled with perseverance and family pride. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind